


The Future Is Unclear But I'll Stay With You Here

by DeadMilitia



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: 30 days clean, Brotherly Love, NO WAYCEST, Oneshot, Other, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, celebration post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-21 13:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7389496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard's suffered most of his life. In his attempt to get away from it all, he turned to self-harm. His self-harming almost took his life and now Mikey is scared he'll lose his brother. Mikey isn't sure how to handle Gerard now that he knows his dark secret. But he's trying his best. When Gerard reaches thirty days clean, Mikey suggests they celebrate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Future Is Unclear But I'll Stay With You Here

**Author's Note:**

> This is written as kind of a way for me to celebrate that I'm 30 days clean of self-harm today (7/4/2016)! My family doesn't know I struggle with it so I can't actually celebrate. And I'm broke with no car otherwise I would go to Starbucks or to buy a new band shirt at Hot Topic or something. So I decided to write this. It didn't turn out how I wanted it to, but it's still alright.

Mikey watched as his brother moved around the kitchen making his coffee. Gerard still looked half asleep and he chuckled at his zombie-like brother. Mikey watched as Gerard stared at the coffee as it brewed as if that would make it go any faster. The second it stopped dripping, Gerard was pulling the pot off of the warmer and pouring a cup. He added his sugar and then sat at the table across from Mikey.

"Are you eating anything?" Mikey asked. Gerard only shook his head no. "Gerard," Mikey said sternly.

"I'm not hungry," Gerard replied, sipping at his coffee.

"Will you at least eat one piece of toast? For me?" Mikey asked, holding out a piece of toast from his own plate. Gerard sighed and took the buttered toast with cinnamon sugar on it from Mikey before taking a bite. Mikey wasn't trying to pester Gerard, but when his older brother didn't eat it made him nervous. He knew Gerard sometimes starved himself.

"I noticed your wearing long sleeves." Mikey pointed out, nervousness in his tone. He wasn't sure if it was from his fear of Gerard getting mad at him or his fear of what Gerard could be hiding. Gerard sighed in annoyance before rolling his sleeves up.

"I'm just cold," Gerard replied, holding his arms out for Mikey to see the fading scars. It made Mikey feel better that his brother hadn't cut, but the fading scars still made him sad. They both fell into silence as they ate their toast. Mikey didn't want to annoy Gerard, but he was worried about him. He didn't want to end up losing his brother. He also didn't want Gerard to think he didn't care. He figured asking was better than pretending it never happened like their parents do.

Mikey came close to losing his brother and that would never leave his mind. Gerard had cut himself deep multiple times. He claimed it wasn't a suicide attempt, but there were so many cuts that needed stitches and he was unconscious when their mom found him in his room. Whether or not Gerard was intentionally trying to end his life, he didn't seem to care if he had. Someone willing to take a kitchen knife to both of their arms so many times they go unconscious from blood loss was definitely suicidal. Ever since then, Mikey watched Gerard like a hawk. He tried not to get on Gerard's nerves, but he also wanted Gerard to know he was there for him.

"I've been clean for 29 days," Gerard explained, breaking the silence. Mikey looked up at him with a small smile. It had been four months since Gerard was in the hospital and he was still having problems. Mikey realized that he never asked Gerard how long he had been clean. He wasn't sure what to ask Gerard or what to say when he got a bad answer. He had asked if Gerard had stopped once before only for Gerard to get mad and show him his fresh cuts. Mikey had been speechless at the fresh cuts alongside his stitched up ones. After that, Mikey felt weird asking about Gerard's self-harm.

"Really?" Mikey asked, getting a nod and small smile from Gerard.

"Yeah, not gonna lie, it's been rough, but I've managed somehow." Gerard said, shrugging a little and taking a sip of coffee.

"Do you still have, um," Mikey wasn't sure how to ask or even if he should.

"I threw them all away," Gerard answered, knowing what Mikey was asking about. That made Mikey smile again.

"I'm really proud of you, bro," Mikey loved the smile that Gerard gave him. "So tomorrow is thirty days clean then." Mikey stated the obvious, getting a nod from Gerard.

"Yep, first time I've been clean for thirty days straight in over four years." Gerard confessed. Mikey's smile dropped. He hadn't known how long Gerard had been harming himself. He never asked because he figured Gerard didn't want him to. "I really did try to stop more than once, but it's a fucking addiction." Mikey hated knowing that Gerard had been fighting this battle alone for so long. He silently promised that Gerard would never fight alone again, but wasn't sure how to help. He didn't want to ask or say the wrong thing.

"We should celebrate!" Mikey said with as much enthusiasm as his mellow personality would allow. Gerard furrowed his brow.

"Celebrate?"

"Yeah, thirty days clean is a big deal. We could go to Starbucks and then to get pizza or something. Unless you don't want to, of course." Mikey added, afraid that Gerard would think he's crazy. People celebrate being clean, right? He wasn't sure if he was crossing any lines by suggesting this.

"I guess we could do that," Gerard said, making Mikey smile a little bit. "Just don't tell anyone why we're doing it, okay? I don't think being fucked up in the head is something you're supposed to celebrate."

"We're not celebrated that you're fucked up. We're celebrating that you're recovering." Mikey pointed out. "Thirty days clean is a big deal."

"I guess, I just don't feel that my recovery is something to celebrate. I did this to myself, I shouldn't celebrate that I'm recovering because people found out." Mikey's heart dropped at that.

"That's the only reason you're recovering? Because we found out?" Gerard shrugged.

"That's the only reason I ever tried to recover anyway. I was afraid of you finding out.... Because I thought about you copying me.... That day I ended up in the hospital really wasn't a suicide attempt. I was just so fucking pissed off at myself. I had been clean for two weeks and then gave in to the urges. I decided if I wanted to be fucked up, then I was going to be fucked up and just kept cutting. I didn't even realize how deep I was cutting until I started feeling light headed." Mikey just stared at Gerard, unsure of what to say. He really wished he knew how to handle this type of situation. He wanted to know what to say to make Gerard feel better.

"But that doesn't matter now because I'm getting better. I will get better, Mikey." Gerard said, looking his brother right in the eyes. Mikey smiled a little. Gerard getting better was all he could ask for.

\----------------------------------

The next day, Mikey and Gerard went to Starbucks and got coffee before sitting at the little table out front of the coffee shop. They watched the people around them in silence. They both enjoyed people-watching as weird as it seemed to others. They both had an understanding that you learned a lot about society just by watching it. Neither one had much interest in fitting in with what was deemed normal. People-watching was sort of like gathering information on what "normal" was to others.

Mikey was happy to see Gerard was wearing a t-shirt. Gerard rarely wore them since his arms looked like they had been caught in a wood chipper. The scars were noticable, some still healing with a pink color to them and fading scabs. Mikey was proud of Gerard on the days he felt comfortable enough to wear a t-shirt without a jacket. He still noticed the way Gerard seemed to close in on himself when he caught people looking at his arms. Whether or not those people were judging him was unknown. Some had sympathetic looks while others looked confused. Mikey figured that some people understood what the scars meant.

"Look at the guy in the blue sweater with the black backpack." Gerard, motioning at the college guy across the road. Mikey stared at the guy, trying to see what Gerard saw. He was walking slower than the other people on the street, looking down at his feet instead of straight ahead, and was holding on to the straps over his shoulders.

"What about him?" Mikey finally asked, wondering what Gerard saw.

"He's not like everyone else. He's secluded even on a crowded sidewalk." Gerard pointed out, watching the guy walk by. Mikey looked at the guy and then the others around him. It was true. He seemed distant compared to the others rushing around him.

"What about that girl sitting on the bench over there." Mikey asked. Gerard had always been better at reading people than Mikey. The younger Way brother had always been intrigued by what Gerard saw in people. He watched as Gerard stared at the girl, trying to figure her out.

"If I had to guess, she probably feels lonely and is doing the same thing we're doing. She's figuring out society because it doesn't make sense to her." Gerard said, watching the girl look around at the people passing by.

"Why do you think that?" Mikey asked, trying to see the same thing in the girl and failing.

"She's closed off, seems nervous when people get close but always smiles at them, and she's watching everyone, even us." Gerard explained. Mikey wasn't sure how Gerard could tell that she was like them just from watching her, but it was interesting to listen to Gerard's opinions on others. He was usually right about people, too. Usually the broken ones who were just looking for a friend. Maybe because he's the same way and can see it in others now.

"I'm ready for pizza." Gerard exclaimed, standing up suddenly and waiting on his brother. Mikey chuckled and got up also before following Gerard down the sidewalk and towards the pizza shop two blocks away. They didn't really talk as they walked, just some small talk.

After they got to the pizza place, sat down, and had ordered, they sat in mostly silence. There wasn't really much to talk about since they had been together so much with very little happening around them. Gerard was playing with the wrapper off of his straw while Mikey watched him. Mikey stared at the scars on Gerard's arm and thought about what he would be doing right now had Gerard died that day. He wasn't entirely sure he would still be alive himself had he lost Gerard.

"I really am proud of you, Gerard. Thirty days is awesome," Mikey told him. Gerard smiled a little, not looking up from the white wrapper in his fingers.

"Thanks," Gerard said, glancing up at Mikey. They both fell back into silence for a while until Gerard broke it again. "I'm thinking about looking into counseling. I mean, I've made it thirty days alone, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to when I'm not doing good." Mikey felt bad because he hadn't really given Gerard the opportunity to talk to him. He acted so awkward when the conversation turned deep that he was sure Gerard didn't want to talk to him.

"You can talk to me." Mikey offered, hating how nervous his voice sounded. Gerard smiled a little.

"Thanks, Mikey, but I meant someone whose had experience. I know you don't know how to handle me, and that's fine, but I just want someone who does because I don't even know how to handle myself. It's a miracle I made it to thirty days, if I'm being honest."

"How did it start?" Mikey asked before he could stop himself. He knew if Gerard didn't want to tell him, he wouldn't.

"I honestly can't remember. I don't remember what made me start cutting." Gerard replied, looking down at his hands.

"Did you ever consider killing yourself?" Mikey asked, keeping his voice low so nearby tables wouldn't hear him even though the only other diners were too far to really hear them anyway. Gerard didn't answer right away, causing Mikey to look up at him. Gerard finally nodded his head.

"Yeah, I did," he honestly answered. "There were several times that I wanted to end it all, but I could never go through with it."

"I'm glad you couldn't," Mikey said, making Gerard smile a little.

"I figured," Gerard chuckled a little. Their pizza came, causing them to stop talking since the waiter was so close to them now. Mikey knew Gerard didn't want others to overhear what they were talking about. The rest of lunch was spent talking about comic books, movies, and music. Mikey tried not to ask anymore about Gerard's personal life. This day was to celebrate Gerard recovering, not to remind him of the things he had done.

\---------------------------

Later that night, Mikey found himself laying in Gerard's bed. They were listening to music and talking about random things. Neither one mentioned Gerard's problems or his recovery. Gerard was thankful for that. He was happy that him and Mikey could act like they used to. When Gerard started getting bad, he pushed Mikey away out of fear of him finding out. He had never wanted Mikey to find out.

As Gerard listened to Mikey laugh at his own lame jokes, he couldn't help but laugh, too. He really had missed Mikey even though they saw each other every day. It felt like it had been years since he had been with Mikey. He guessed that wasn't far from the truth. It had been years since they just laid around and laughed at stupid jokes. They had gotten distant because of Gerard's fears. He didn't want to lose Mikey again. Even if he got bad again, he wanted Mikey around. He didn't want his brother to see the darker side of his mind, but he wanted him there for comfort.

After a few hours of laughing until they were crying, Mikey had started to doze off. Now he was sleeping with his head on Gerard's chest. His glasses pushing to the side. Gerard smiled and gently removed Mikey's glasses to keep him from breaking another pair. Gerard missed this. Him and Mikey used to sleep in the same bed and even cuddle like this a lot before Gerard had gotten bad. He now knew that Mikey needed this just as much as he did. It was reassurance for Mikey that he was still loved and wanted by his brother. Gerard had been kind of cold as he pushed Mikey away. It was out of fear but that didn't make it okay. Mikey needed him and he shoved him away. He never wanted to do that again.

Gerard knew that he had a long road ahead of him and he knew that relapses happened, but he wanted to try harder for Mikey. He wanted to keep hearing Mikey say he was proud of him. He wanted to recover for Mikey.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that it sucked. I just wanted to do something to celebrate in my own little way.   
> Also, if you're struggling with anything, please reach out! Believe me, I know that it feels like people don't care but they do!   
> For free counseling:  
> http://www.7cups.com/ (I've never used 7 Cups of Tea, but I've heard that they're good.)  
> https://www.thehopeline.com/ (The Hopeline is free and anonymous. They will ask for your zipcode, but that's so they can search for counseling/therapy centers in your area if you want to speak one-on-one with someone in person. I also have a friend who works for them.)   
> And as always, you can talk to me if you want to. I am NOT a professional and I can't help you like one can. But I'm willing to listen and be a friend to you.   
> tumblr: thedeadmilitia  
> Twitter:@TheDeadMilitia  
> Instagram: @monster_chick94


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